David Carl would be sixteen year old today had he lived. I will never forget his perfect features or how much he looked like his brothers.

Ten years ago, I was finally able to share my experience of stillbirth in this blog post here. A mother never forgets the precious moment their children came into this world. And David’s birth, while achingly somber, was no exception.

There are so many wishes I have… I wish I could have heard him cry. I wish I could have smelled his sweet skin and breath on my cheek. I wish I could have heard him belly laugh. I wish he and Evan could have become the friends that Ryan and Aaron have become. But in all of that wishing, there is no wish inside of me that wishes he never was. David Carl, I will hold you forever in my heart.

October 1, 2007

Grief is like the sky 
carrying the clouds clutching 
the chandelier of the sun 
while my heart hangs 
by a thread.

The blazing stars burn 
through the black holes of my eyes and straight through my hollow heart.

I am lost in a silent land.

I am a bird grounded, 
my wings flying 
only in my dreams.

It seems 
I wasn’t meant to fly.

And he is dead. 

It seems 
he wasn’t meant to live.

Gravity is the captor 
holding us both 
while the sky of grief 
covers our tears.

—cjpjordan